i'm feeling bloated as hell today. i have a feeling i'm going to get my period soon. california is coming up, so i really need to get tan & toned. fast.

i broke up with justin, but we're still friends. it's nice. i've been seeing josh but haven't made it official, because i'm hanging out with this guy, ben, who i've liked since summer. i love being single.

i've decided i'm going to get a monroe piercing. on top of that i also want my bellybutton and hips. if i could get a hollow needle & a clamp i'd just do it myself, although my mom & dad approved the monroe and i know they'd go for the bellybutton too. i'm close to getting my tat finished. josh worked on it monday night. i also drank a fuck ton monday night & felt like shit all day yesterday. it was ridiculous. hpnotiq, boone's farm, captain, & lots of circle of death & beer pong. fun night though.

no school on friday & going to appleton with my bestie on saturday to shop for bikinis for cali. my mom is giving me extra money too for some new clothes. i hope i'm not a bloated, menstrual piece of shit when i go. that just fucks up every shopping trip. after we get home i think we're going to the light. it's this place out in the middle of nowhere in paulding, michigan, where these mysterious lights and orbs come out of nowhere. no one can explain where they come from, so it's supposed to be haunted. it's pretty trippy when you're high or drunk, but idk if i believe in it. summerwind mansion is close by there too. it was a haunted mansion that was struck by lightning & burned down. it's scary. i smoked weed in the basement of it a few times.

hopefully i'll get to see ben tonight, but if not, i'll probably just chill in bed. i feel lazy. hope everyone is doing well !

friday night at home.

well it's friday night, 11:35 pm, & i'm sitting at home. justin didn't ask to hang out, he said he wasn't feeling well & didn't go to school today. idk, but he pissed me off. because he didn't tell me he didn't need a ride to school until i was in his driveway. sometimes he acts like he doesn't even like me, but then he'll say or do just the thing to make me think he does. i talked to him about it & he insists that he wants to be with me. i just think he has really low self-worth. i also think he might be depressed. but i know what that's like & i'm not about to walk away from him because of it. i want to help him as much as i can. so i hung out with amanda, then smoked with some friends & now i'm sitting in bed typing this. i need to make my bed & get ready for sleep but i'd rather blog. lmao.

i'm sooo bloated. i figured out today that i should be getting my period in the next few days, which explains the cravings & bloating & feeling shitty in general. i am not cute when i pms. thank god for midol... i'm taking some for sure tonight. plus opiates tend to make you constipated, so i might need to take care of that too. maybe i'll get some laxies tomorrow.

josh bailed on me again tonight. not really his choice. his roommate, korey, had bill & some other people out there & they were planning on drinking when josh thought no one would be there & invited me over for a movie. he went to help our friend kyle fix his car & then he found out there was gonna be a huge party at his house. so he ended up staying at kyle's. but kyle is amanda's boyfriend & he told her he was going to wausau today. so i'm kind of suspicious that josh ditched me. whatever, it's not like he's my boyfriend.. but everything he does is affecting my decision.

tonight i'm gonna plan out my workout, diet, goals, etc, maybe collect a little thinspo, & just hang out at home. kind of nice to have some alone time.

hope everyone has a great weekend !

epiphany

i broke out in really severe hives today after eating a bowl of cereal, & i had fast food for lunch (i know i'm a fatass).i've been getting really itchy rashes all over for about a month now too. & then i realized that maybe i'm allergic to some kind of food, because those things can develop over time. & even if i'm not, i could tell people i'm allergic to wheat or something. that way i could have a legitimate excuse for not eating a lot of really unhealthy foods. i've been taking benedryl like crazy because the itchiness is so horrible. there's definitely something not right, but idk what it could be. i've been so sick for the last few months that nothing surprises me anymore.

i went to josh's last night & watched waist deep. we sat on his bed in his room. at one point during the movie i grabbed a blanket & got comfy & he said "mind if i join you ?" & i was like "...kinda..." he didn't seem too upset, just kind of bummed out. but i explained that i'm just trying to not hurt anyone, that i don't want to cheat on justin, even if he never would find out, & that i wanted josh to 'join me' more than anything but it's not the right thing to do. i know i did the right thing though. & now i have proved to josh that i'm not a cheater, when he thought i fucked around on him with bill.

i decided that beginning tomorrow, i'm going to start really being healthy & sticking to it. vitamins, healthy food, lots of water, exercise... i need to get fit, but my main motivation is to get better. i've been sick for too long & i keep ending up with infections & viruses & complications. i'm tired of it. i need to take care of myself because i'm sooo over being sick all the time. all i do is sleep & eat & smoke weed pretty much.

for a few days i'm only going to eat fruits & vegetables. it'll be interesting to see if my skin gets better.

happy friday ! :)

stuck on it.

why does josh have so much control over my emotions ?!! i sit around waiting for his txts & when i get one from justin i just reply quickly & feel kind of disappointed that it wasn't from josh. our movie was waist deep, it's like a gangster bonnie & clyde movie.. really good. yesterday i went to josh's dad's while he was doing the laundry & i hung out with him there & then we went back to his house to smoke. we were talking about watching waist deep & he asked me to come over & watch it with him sometime. i said i would. & now i'm nervous that i'm going to do something i'll regret later. i told him that & he said "yeah but would you really regret it in the long run ?" & he might be right. someone help me !!!

good news is that i took way too much vicodin on an empty stomach this morning & ended up puking a couple times so i got to go home from school. & i just ate some cereal, first thing all day. so i don't need to worry about binge eating tonight. also, i talked to my dad & he said that my ymca membership should still be good so i can start working out whenever. i'll probably start going this weekend or monday. i really need to get in shape before spring break.

that's all i have for now. i'm probably going to go back to sleep.. it's better than lying here awake thinking about my boy situation. haha.

hope you're all having a great day.

bored.

so last night was pretty fun. i went over to justin's & hung out there. i got vicodin for my jaw being infected from my wisdom tooth surgery, so i was all faded & shit. then i got a txt from this guy i used to hook up with a lot, mike. he wanted me to come drink with him. so justin & i went to pick up my friend hanna & we went to this party. i did 6 shots of cherry vodka, which tasted like cough syrup, had 2 beers during circle of death, & drank a captain & coke on top of the vicodin. & smoked 2 bowls. we played drinking games with a bunch of other people, shaved this kid's head, & then after everyone cleared out justin & i passed out in the guest room & cuddled all night. :) it was cute.

today i'm pretty tired & bored. i want to go do something but it's lookin pretty dull. my mom is out of town tonight but i'm supposed to go to amanda's house for dinner with her family. i think i need a nap & then i'll be good to go.

stepped on the scale today, 125.2.

update later.